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Monday, June 11, 2012

Meet Tori

I've been getting TONS of spam lately. Way more than usual. It may have something to do with my incessant activity on Facebook and Twitter. Some of it isn't even in English. I think this one is, but I'm not sure: 

BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of garbage and keeps freezing…anyways how u been? In case u dont know who this is its ME TORI..we used to chat a bit on facebook and then I think u deleted me :( haha…anyways guess what... I got 2 things to tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now..yup me and my bf broke up about 3 months ago... and 2) guess where im moving?

RIGHT EFFING NEAR ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3 cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..I remember when we chatted u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there..maybe even help me move my shit in…are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui was soo confused... anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and take me out so u better be around
bebe...we only chatted a couple times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know u better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt tell u cause i wasnt single lol...ok so more info about me…well im 23.. the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for drinks, restaurants, movies i have a lil kitty named BOO and i luv her to death... uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all sex etc blah blah blah...who doesnt..I really hope we get a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i get there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and arent married yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get u have any hookups or know anybody hiring?id LOVE to work in a bar or osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current job is fun and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i currently work from home and well
thats cool but i need ot be out meeting people..oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i did? hmm shud i......????

ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat with people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right :)? I i figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play with myself heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO THATS NOT WHY IM CONTACTING U RELAX URSELF lol... i actually need help once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching i said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..

ANYWAYS.. heres the deal....every month natalie (my boss) gives each of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we with this code u can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like everyone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can chat)is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY USE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER...

i figured u cud always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chatroom... if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out…but remember DONT SHARE THIS PASSWORD PLEASE BABE IM BEGGING U.. I TRUST U... im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move…also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :(

I really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work.. i really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my stress about the move... REALLY i mean that...anyways once i see u in insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours…if u dont wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me now days.. if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now…but im hopign to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im gonna give u…just DONT GIVE IT OUT OR ILL
KICK U IN THE BALLS INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha...k babe im out for now... chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo

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I was really impressed with the time and effort it took to come up with this one, so I thought the least I could do was write Tori back: 

Hey Babe,

It's so great to hear from you! You must have sent your other emails to the wrong address or something because I never got them. I'm guessing it has something to do with your dyslexia. I hope you're able to login to your account to get this one because I don't have much time to live chat these days, what with all the spam deleting. It's piling up like crazy, girl!

I'm sorry to hear that you and your boyfriend broke up, but that's good news for me! Splitsville sucks sometimes, but maybe it's for the best. Was he annoyed by the lack of punctation, capital letters, and complete words in your emails? Some guys are so superficial. You don't need him anyway. 

You're really moving here?! I can't believe it! I'm so excited. I can't wait to see your pussy, Boo! We're going to have so much fun drinking and socializing at outdoor restaurants and XXX theaters while we're traveling. I'm a Libra, and I'm pretty sure Virgos and Vibras are soulmates. How awesome is that?!

Yeah, I can totally hook you up with a job, but it will probably involve drug trafficking and/or sex acts because you don't seem like the administrative professional type. Shoot me a picture of your tits, and I'll see what I can do. Sounds like you could use some cash for a new computer and your student loans. Just out of curiosity, what was your major? I'm guessing Dance. 

Anyway, I have to go for now, but I promise I won't give out the code to anyone else. Pinky swear. Let me know when you get here, and I'll take you for a ride around town!

Talk to you soon,


Jodie said...

Love it! I keep getting this same email!

irishrrt said...

THIS is awesome. totally absolutely awesome. ( I will admit that I at first was sad thinking I thought I was your new slutty friend, and WHO is this Tori chick??!!)

Anonymous said...

That's actually the best spam message I've ever read. I'll have to see if Tori is moving to my town anytime soon.

A Little Lucidity said...

Oh, Erin, you know you're my favorite slut. ;)

jerry gutknecht said...


A Little Lucidity said...


Angie said...

Oh I totally disagree with Tori about this whole "they won't admit it" thing. She's just been hanging out with a bunch of prudes. Every chick I hang out with at outdoor eateries tells me about how horny they are. It's almost a required first topic of conversation. She sounds fun, let me know when she moves in and I'll join you ladies for a drink, some horny talk, and maybe she'll let us pet her pussy, Boo.